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« on: July 31, 2006, 05:47:18 PM »
i suppose i will tell some of my story here.. never knew big frank, but damn sorry he's gone somehow that affects me too. consider this in memoriam. i have believed for mANY YEARS THAT I WAS UNIQUELY VULNERABLE TO THE SEED. not so, i begin to see. it wasn't until i read a book on brainwashing that i began to see that my reaction to the seed wasn't character flaw in me, but rather a predictable response , physiologic, not mental.
my story such as it is, and incomplete . at age 13, i was lured by a corrupt family physician into a kind of cult.. 'primal therapy" see website janov, arthur.. that cult is based on the voluntary destruction of personality, which i can tell you is exhausting work! then somehow , the seed got hold of me.. call to parent.. he'll be deadinsaneorinjail.. the familiar route(yeah pun intended) in any event thirty years later i begin to learn the extent of the damage, and that it wasn't my imagination. have been dx'd ptsd, as so many of you have been, and still astonished at the level of criminality and sheer malice involved.. hitler jugund indeed! somehow, oddly, so many who post here have retained their humanity in spite of it all.. as an aside, that gives me a foundation for my embrace of catholicism...(hey lady! i never said i was a GOOD catholic.. just that i was one!) others in this forum have mentioned or alluded to psycho-physical symptom, and i wonder how many out there have suffered as have we. i see a consistent thread of ruined relationships, both personal and occupational , and social. i have lived in an adaptive way since then, have a few intruiging quirks,(nothing perrverse mind you, just things like an odd aversion to clocks, like that).. it oddly, also gives me the foundation for my conservatism. in that i believe that each of us is our own best judge, each of us in individual relationship to god , and that the highest value in society is individual well being, no man can be a responsible participant in society unless he is also free to reject it.. forgive the rant, one and all, (i just love diatribe and polemic)(it's a racial characteristic, i cain't hep it!) also too (lousiana vernacular) herein i've read that so many believe that art barker, et al,"had good intentions" or "meant well" god spare me the saints.. i don't buy it.. no mateer what one believes i think it incumbent "first do no harm" if to follow "good intentions requires lying, co-ercion, subornation of witnesses, perjury, planting evidence, day in and day out physical and mental brutality.. well i refuse to believe good or honest intention to big frank and all the others
responses welcome.. to our tormentors many of us look for remorse but that may never be.. forgiveness is a double edged sword, you may have it, but only if you admit that you need it