Please forgive me

[snowhite]

I am a surviving mom, not a client. Last Saturday when I explained to a friend (I don't do this much for the following reasons) about SAFE. Their comment was that of disgust and said "Why did you put him in there? I would never forgive you if you did that to me". That was 4 days ago and I am still ashamed and so full of guilt. I can be OK for awhile until someone who hasn't been there states things of this sort. Then it all comes back.. I can't close my eyes to sleep, the feelings the picture of my son when we pulled him and they brought him to us haunts me. He was white (sun deprivation, self mutilated scars which were infected, shoeless,shuffling like a zombie, babbling, not making sense, crying, afraid it was a trick. He lost tolietry privlages, so his hair was greasy and acne was horrible.

He was only 13. He was a terrible misbehavior (that actually saved his life). I am his mother, his protector. Yet he would lay in the time out room for 10-12 hrs a day  and watch the ants. ANd when he was locked in for the night with the other 4 boys he would put his cheek against the wall as it was cool as he tried to block out the other client who was masturbating. Trying to stay in touch with reality. The wall was his reality for that moment.

My heart is full of so much pain.. The trigger "how could you do that" immediatly flooded me with how could I have done this to him. He is an incredible young man. He is now 16.  I have apologized over and over and over to him. He said "Mom it is ok you didn't know". Sometimes I think I would feel better if he would just wail on me. Maybe that would ease my guilt. Doubt it!

[Anonymous]

Hey Snow...

I have no anamosity towards my folks AT ALL for putting me in straight...Even though I suffered alot of indignities, humiliations and set backs, I blame the program for any lasting damage, not my parents...I have never doubted their love for me, and I appreciated their concern...It was a difficult time for me, battling all of those demons, something they understood very little about...I didn't have the maturity to express to them that I needed help...

My Father told me once..."Yes, we made lots of mistakes rasing you kids, but we did the best we could for you at the time." That's all anyone could ever ask for...I accept & forgive my folks for any mistakes, but I won't forget the b.s. I had to put up with while I was in the program...I think those people should bear the brunt of the guilt, not the parents!

[Webmistress]

Snow, I was in a similar program (KIDS of North Jersey) for 2 and a half years.  I was 16 when my parents put me there and I needed some kind of kick in the ass.  My parents were going to Tough Love meetings and some parents there spoke to mine..."Our daughter is in this place called KIDS and she is doing wonderfully"  So I ended up there also.
Miller Newton (the director of my program) was excellent at what he did.  He studied how people react to things.  He studied how to affect someone the most at the right time.  I know most of the "program directors" do the same and are trained the same.
A good friend once said to me (he was not in the program nor was he a parent) "The place you were in was s cult, yes, but the kids weren't IN the cult.  The PARENTS were.  The kids were the victims"  THis made so much sense to me.  
I am a parent myself now and I know I would do anything for my child.  If he or she was hurt, I'd do anything to fix his wound.  The same goes for putting him in SAFE he was doing things wrong...you would do anything for him.  SAFE told you they could fix your son.  They told you HUGE lies about how well he would be doing.  They conned you into believing that their methods were "theraputic".  
The teenage years are the most difficult and the most impressionable....on the kid AND the parent.  Someone telling you that you kid is going to be fixed...of course you're gonna sign him up.
Im not mad at my parents.  We don't talk about it a whole lot and they dont like the fact that I have a website against it.  THey think i should "let it go"  THATS what makes me mad.  The website, and going to the conferences IS helping me "let it go".  The right way.  Instead of driving to the directors house and committing a very illegal act, I take my anger out on talking to others and making sure that he doesnt EVER council kids or families again.
I hope this was of some help.  Im glad you came here & wrote.  Take Care.

[kosmonaut]

At least you told your son how you feel, and you two can talk about it.  I was in Straight, ran away and have lived away from my family since then (that was in 84 when I was 15, I'm now 33).  Of course I don't blame my father for it, he was only trying to help.  I knew even then that the program directors hid much from the parents.  But after I explained to him what happened, he just blanked and didn't want to deal with it.  Actually I don't think he even believed me when I told him what it was like.  

At least you and your son have real communication.  I think you're being way too hard on yourself.

[kaydeejaded]

I was a misbehaver in Straight and it scares me that his exp. was exactly the same. Nothing has changed and these programs still prey on children and parents too. I deeply resent my parents to this day for the 13mons I spent in Straight my life has never been the same. But your apologies to your son and your guilt truly would mean so much to me if my parents would feel that way and say those things. Shit happens it is how you take responsiblitiy for it that matters. Also Safe still exsists you could help close it down. That would be the most benefical thing that could happen. Parents are still turning their kids over to those monsters and people do not believe. :sad:

[velvet2000]

After what you're family went through you could save hundreds (or thousands) from going through the same thing. You are all ready stronger than most to accept what happened and apoligize to your son, look at how many who never do. It's wonderful to see you post so honestly, and I wish the best for you and your family. I'm sure it can only get better.

Take care,

Velvet.

[bettypills]

you were/are probably a loving parent who was preyed upon by professional piranhas / cannibals who are very good at what they do. Using such horrific scare tactics on parents who are confused and scared and don't understand what-in-the-hell is going on with your kid! My mom raised me by herself and when I became a rebellious, wild teenager she was scared to death because had never deviated much in her own life, could NOT understand!
Straight was sold to her so well, so effectively, so smoothly, She fell, hook & line, etc...
Even when she had major doubts & I was on 2nd phase trying desperately to get her to pull me, she still bought their lies & sent me back when I left. Eventually, I even 7-stepped & within months was back to my old life, only crazier with a vengeance!
Anyway, my point is that she & I are best friends now, really. It's because both of us have talked (and TALKED!) and both admitted where we were wrong. Sounds like you and your son will be just fine, even closer than ever, maybe, love IS everything! (Yes, you put him IN, but you also took him OUT!)

[snowhite]

Thanks to all of you. You have helped immensley. Yes I was told "He would die" if I didn't get him in ASAP. What parent can cope with that statement? I was lied to when I asked questions before we set off for the looney bin.

[FaceKhan]

Well your kid has till he is 21 to sue Lorretta Parish and her evil empire, and there are lawyers out there who can do it. I remember one of the lawyers at the 2001 conference saying something along the lines of if you want money we can definitely get you money, and if you want to destroy one of these programs then I can do that do but it will cost a million dollars and there will be nothing left at the end.

What really needs to be done is to lobby for laws that provide longer periods to sue these abusive programs, unlimited punitive damages, criminal sanctions specifically targeting institutional abuse, and voiding liability protection for corporate officers in these cases.  

"Ah Loretta Parish, along with the Lichtfields and the Semblers are what keeps me from being against the death penalty."

[str8isabuse]

I think you have done the best thing you could possibly do under the circumstances.  You did make a mistake in initially placing your son there, but they were deceitful and professional in their tactics to scare you into turning him over to them.  I don't blame you for making a mistake, and it's really commendable that you have taken responsibility for it and have apologized to your son.  Parenting is difficult, and Straight and legacy programs use very sneaky tactics to lure new clients.

You are ahead of most parents I think.  My own parents, who put me in Straight 20 years ago despite the fact that I did not have any sort of drug problem at all, maintain that it was not a mistake.  Needless to say, I can't even speak to them, given all the pain I suffered at Straight because of their decision.  Please try to forgive yourself, and remember how blessed you and your son are that you can view Straight honestly as a horrific place.  They are truly the evil ones, not the parents like you who didn't know what they were getting their children into.  Other parents may have used Straight to abuse their children, but you don't sound like you fit this category, especially since you took him out.

[MommaDebi]

I commend you for your honesty and integrity.
I urge you to join hands with other conned parents and help shut the SAFE program down.

I realise you feel that you did a horrible job as a parent by placing him there; I think that by taking action you could validate your and your son's feelings of betrayal and abuse.

Additionally you would be helping untold numbers of other families that have (or will) make the same error on judgement.

As a former Seedling, and a mother of a teen son, I commend you for the love you have for your child. It has made you strong enough to admit your error and allowed you to try to make amends.

I wish you internal peace and comfort.
debi white

[Anonymous]

It is time for me to come out of the closet. The responses from you have been awesome. You will never know what your ecnouraging words did for me.  I was able to deal with the guilt. I was decieved, oh was I deceived. I was not only deceived but lied to.

My name is Barb  and my son is Jeff. When we finally got Jeff the hell out of the UNSAFE and I felt he was stable ( we had to put him in a LOVING facitlity here to wean him off the high doses of Adderall they felt he needed, I was with him every step of the way, vowing never to allow anyone to ever again keep me away from my son )I went on to try to do all I could to undo a horrifc harm to Jeff and to the kids still in SAFE.

We immediatly contacted a lawyer. I made contact with Ginger, Wes, Richard, GregFl, Ken, Kathy and other great people. We got together and picketed SAFE in 2000. We again were able to picket again June 12, 2002. This time my son and I were standing side by side. Whew, what a healing time this was for us. Jeff and I talk have a great relationship and talk openly and freely about this horrendous experince, but it doesn't dominate our life anymore.

In June the lawsuit was served, finally. Jeff, well he is just precious. He still suffers some anxiety attacks since SAFE but is learning coping skills when they hit. His flashbacks are getting farther in beteen along with the nightmares. We sent him to Wellspring, and exiting program a year after SAFE as he was starting with periods of not just anger but RAGE. Today we know this is part of Post Trauma. He learned coping skills to deal with triggers, learned mind control tactics and how they were used. He no longer has RAGE but a healthy anger to shut down places like this.

Thanks to all of you for your enouraging words. And if I could undo the pain you went thru I would be the first at your doorstep. None of you deserved this. My only reprieve today is to do all I can to help the kids who are still suffering. Weather it is protesting, writing officals, etc.

Ya' now what, I do not beleive today Jeff even had a drug or alcohol problem, but they did a fine job of convincing me he was going to die. Jeff was a teenager and still is and he is doing teenage stuff.

Jeff if your reading this "Go clean your room". (Heck, if your room is still a mess I still love you sweetheart)

[kosmonaut]

Adderal?  They're putting those kids on adderal now?  That's nothing but a blend of various amphetamines.

[Carmel]

All you can do now is be thankful that you at least can SEE the light!  

Dont hold it against yourself, you were duped just like we were inside the program.  I was just talking to my mother the other day about Straight and how I held no animosity against my mother for putting me there.  To be honest, if I had the opportunity (and the courage) to tell her what was really going on in that place, I have all the confidence in the world that she would have yanked me immediately.  You have to remember that YOU were lied to also!  It wasnt as if the parents were standing next to staff saying "yeah, keep up the good work guys!".  You all were just as much in the dark as to what we were going through as we were to what was real.

We can be glad that we now know, what we didnt then.  Imagine what it would be like if we were still trying to live our Straight lives and apply the crazy program today?  We would be even loonier than we are now. (;

I commend your efforts to stop the madness with these programs, and you are right, all we can do now is fight for those who have been sent down that path, and those who are still trapped on it.  We have all paid our dues, we paid with our very minds while we were there and do still.  There is no guilt that we can place upon ourselves that hasnt already been placed over and over since our nightmare in the program began.  Be confident in your fight, and count it as a gift that you can see clearly...unlike so many still out there.