What They Didn \'t Tell Me When I Signed That Contract

[Paul St. John]

.. that I basically didn not exist in their eyes, and it was their goal that I not exist in my own

.. that while most psychologies of today are used to free a person from a stimulus-respose orientation, their techniques were based on utilsing it, to " recreate " you

.. my thoughts were irrelevant, but anybody and everybody's feelings were of the utmost importance

.. that most of the kids who went in there as light users, left and became hardcore drug addicts

.. that my efforts would be used to benefit a " family" that did not even respect my rights as a human being

.. that showing your feathers around this place was based on how loud you could scream at another, and to what extent you can disgrace them

.. that the counselors take pleasure in witnessing this blood bath

.. that my strengths would be considerred weaknesses

.. that upon enterring that building as a member, I automatically earn the title of " dope fein"

.. that I would have to take orders from idiots half my age, who knew little about anything, but how to kiss ass

.. that a few months down the line, I' d actually be use to this..lol

..  that I would have to spend a whole half of a day cleaning up under a stair case where, that a cat was allowed to use as a litter box, without end for months, on my kness, with no gloves, and the outdated cleaning supplies, while better ones were in fact available.. ( that was a bad GI day)
and then spend the rest of the day walkingta round smelling like piss

.. that right or worng, I was always wrong

.. that logic was irrelevant, and that the purpose of work their was only to make more work

.. that they ask people to bask in their problems as, though all they are is their problems

.. that they were murderers.

I repeat "murders!!!!"

and of children, never the less



Well, I could go on for days.

One of the problems in my views was that noone s got balls in this society, or not enough people anyway.

Any parent who got inside that program had to see how fucked up it was, but everybody always gives into athority.

In the name of that shit hole where I wasted half a year of my life, I reaffirm in myself " Bless the Individual!"


Paul St. John

[jackie]

you know what thats true, i remember only part of the "elan philosophy" that got read in morning meeting every morning or should i say "chanted" :question: "with eagerness of spirit we shall find ourselves through knowing others" i wish i could remember the rest, but maybe its better i dont. its all crap anyway.

[Anonymous]

Yeah.. I can t really remember the morning meeting chnat where I was either... wouuld probably send shivers down my spine to remember it.. I think that I remember something a long the lines of finding ourselves through others in ours too.

    I ll be honest with ya, I d like to remember it, though I know I probably won t enjoy it..lol.. I figure I gotta get this shit out of my system someday, and the sooner, the better!!!

    I remember going back to regular school after being in that place.. I felt like I had come back from another world.  I really was disenheartenned.
Like these people would not even belive the place where I was.. and that their trusted school are the people who sent me there.  It s like even if I were to tell people stories about it, that wouldn t cut it.. Ya know.. There was like a general spirit in that place that can never be conveyed to someone who hasn t been there.. not that I wanted people to knwo much about it.. I still had just as many friends, when I wient back, but far fewer acquaintances, and was generally a less socail guy. I, eventually dropped out.

    I always had some resentments towards my school for sending me to that place.. I knew that it was more or less a mistake on their point, but still the feelings were there.. I tried to act normal, but I was one pretty pissed off motherfucker after leaving that place..  It s like " Hey.. Thanks for sending me to that joint, that brought me quite near the edge of insanity." LOL

    But, I ll always remember this.  When I was telling the school psychologist lady about the shit that I wnet through in that place and how it was literally nothing like what was represented to me by them, and explaining to them how it fucks people off....


She said," We didn t know that you were so sensitive."

I was like " Did you hear what I said?"

And she said something like, " Yeah.. It can get heavy in those places.  Some people can take it.. Some people can t."

  It s like " Jesus Christ, woman.. Admit you made a mistake!!"



    I remember having the feeling at that point that they all stick together.  I ll tell ya, she never woulda said those things to me prior to my going into the place, but at this point, she probably knew that I had been broken in to listenning to shit like that...


and the world got just a few shades darker..lol


Paul

[Anonymous]

I am 30 and just realizing the damage my treatment did me.

I was trying to get out of an alcohoic sexually abusive home. I was looking for help.

Instead, I got "behavior modification" and a "chemical straightjacket"

Today I have serious problems relating to and opening up to people, and some lasting brain damage from the medication.

I lived in denial for so many years...now I am just coming out of my shell and learning to trust.

Thanks for letting me talk.

[jackie]

ya, i have mega problems with relationships as well......i always had an inferiority complex but after my stay in elan i didnt really question whether i was worthless or not, i just knew i was. its only been in the past year that ive been able to realize im not the floating turd in the toilet of life that they made me believe i was.....on the trust thing, dont know if that will ever happen.....its been 20 years since i was there, if it hasnt happened by now, i doubt it will.....

neway, take care and let your feelings be known cause keeping them inside about all this, isnt the way to go.....

[Anonymous]

On 2003-08-03 18:16:00, Anonymous wrote:

"
Thanks for letting me talk."

You're welcome...


only that it wasn't anyone here who let you talk.


You allowed yourself to do it!!  :wink:


Paul St. John